Thoughts from a Movie

I was pleased the other night to find Never Been Kissed on our list of recorded movies, and even more pleased when Bryan generously agreed to watch it with me. As I was still not feeling well and my stuffy head begat a fuzzy brain, I was planning to zone out to the Drew Barrymore chick flick. My plans were somewhat foiled though, when I found myself thinking (darn) about the plot - a 25-year-old undercover reporter who enrolls in high school for a story, and in the process relives past nightmares and makes a few changes.

Nevermind that I can't - if I could, would I want to go back to high school? Or college, for that matter. Are there things I would change? And though I imagine myself much more enlightened and mature at the ripe old age of 28-soon-to-be-29, am I really that much different or better equipped to alter the course of those years?

I suppose I wouldn't change anything because it all melded together to shape me into me. But still, I like to think that if I had a re-do with what I know now, I would have reached out and opened up more instead of hiding behind my insecurities. I would have gone out and had fun or tried new things more instead of staying busy "earning" my worth. I might have worked a little less and played a little more. Perhaps even saved a little less and spent a little more (and yes, I realize how fortunate I am to be in a position to say that). Probably invested more time and effort into lasting friendships. Appreciated and participated in my family to a greater extent. Spent more energy on the things that truly made me beautiful instead of wishing I would be voted prom queen.

Don't get me wrong - I am incredibly thankful for the mostly positive experiences I had in high school and college. Many wonderful people and opportunities came into my life during that period. But how would it have been different if I had truly grasped "way" back then the concept of grace. Of being so utterly, intrinsically loved and valued that I never ever have to prove myself to anyone (including me). Of being seen as beautiful and therefore having something beautiful to offer that the world needs.

I probably knew these things then, but often didn't internalize them enough to let them take much effect. But as Bryan commented, you can't go back and alter history, but you know them now. So how does that change things? Yes, I know them now. But do I? As I ponder this, I conclude that yes, I do. I have spent the past few years learning (or perhaps it's more accurate to say that God has spent the last few years teaching me) to ingrain these truths in my head so I will believe them even when I don't always feel them. Because trust me, there are many times I don't feel like I have any beauty to offer anyone or like I have to keep trying harder to be worthy of...who knows - you name it and I've probably felt it. But in those times, I now have a bank of truths from which I can pull. Statements I have come to truly believe, that allow me to (eventually, if not always immediately) dispell the ugly insecurities and fears that inevitably rise up. I often can't help how I feel about something. But I do get to choose what I allow my mind to focus on - what thoughts I feed myself. And those beliefs which become thoughts greatly impact my attitudes and actions.

So if I were able to hop into a little time machine and go re-do certain parts of my life would anything be different? Maybe, because I am now more equipped with the truth. And the truth changes everything. But maybe not, because in order to keep growing us, it seems that when one thing is finally learned, God gives us another to work on. Or presents us with opportunities to practice which usually don't go perfectly for a while. Or in my experience, both. But I suppose that is part of what keeps us close to God - knowing what we need, but not quite being able to do it without Him. And given His success rate, abundant resources, and unfailing love for us, I'd say that's not a bad place to be.

Change the past? Nah. Grow more, internalize the truth, and love better (including myself) moving forward? That is my prayer.